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Joker's Wild/Dialogue
This is a transcript of the Batman: The Animated Series episode "Joker's Wild" from season one, which aired on November 19, 1992. It is divided into dialogue sections for better comprehension. ASYLUM BREAKOUT * TV Lady: Be sure the bulbs are placed far enough apart for proper root growth and remember to give the seedlings plenty of sunlight. Add just enough water; then- * Poison Ivy: Hey! I was watching that! * Joker: And now you're watching this! * TV Man: Next, a dog drinks milk out of his owner's mouth. * Poison Ivy: Change it back! * Joker: Oh, no, no, no. Don't want to. * Poison Ivy: GUARD! * Guard: What's the problem? * Joker: Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the Plant Lady's gone wackers again. * Ivy: He started it! I was just sitting here! * Joker: That's right! You're always blaming me! And the children wonder why we fight. * Ivy: Crazy. * Joker: I know you are, but what am I? * Guard: Okay. Okay. You'll watch this quietly or you'll go back to your cells. * Joker: Ya-vol! * Ivy: I don't care. * Joker: You hold my hand, and I'll slug you. Ha! * Ivy: GUARD! * Joker: Just kidding, just kidding! Yeesh, Pammy, lighten up! * Summer Gleeson: This is Summer Gleeson live at Gotham Palace Eight's Borderwalk, where it's opening day of billionaire Cameron Kaiser's latest showplace resort. Total price tag for this fancy cris-mecca nearly 3 hundred million dollars. * Cameron Kaiser: It's true, Summer. I set out to create the most opulent gambling resort in the world. After all, what's a few million here and there as long as my guests are happy. * Summer: Gotham's elite have turned out in style for the opening. Bruce Wayne, perhaps you can give us a hint about the top secret theme of Mr. Kaiser's new casino. * Bruce Wayne: Looks like we'll find out together, Summer. * Kaiser: Ladies and gentlemen, the wait is over. I officially welcome you, one and all... to Joker's Wild! * Joker: Say, what? * Summer: Ugh, that is disgusting! * Cameraman: Psst, Summer! We're on the air! * Summer: Oh! Uh... there you have it! Let's get a reaction from the guests. Mr. Wayne? * Bruce: No comment. * Summer: Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's most notorious outlaws? * Kaiser: Summer, please! Wild Joker is a classic symbol long associated with cards and games. I can't help it if there's a p........ to some criminal fruitcake. * Joker: How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on my image! * Ivy: Now who should lighten up? * Joker: Don't get cute with me, Red! He's ripping me off! I'll protest... Yeah, I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out... And I will, too. * Guard: Take it easy. * Joker: Uugh... I feel dizzy... sick... everything's spinning... uuuuggghhhh need a doctor... * Ivy: Oh, Joker.... thanks for the smile! * Guard: Hang on. I'll get Dr. Bartholomew. * Joker: Yes. Hurry. Please. - Hehehehe - Sucker! - What a maroon! * Guard: I know you are, but what am I? * Orderly #1: The Joker! * Joker: Exit stage left; laughing all the way. - Excuse me! * Orderly #2: Get 'im! * Joker: Step right up and play everybody's favorite game "What's the Joker got in the pail?" Maybe a deadly poison, or maybe just something to make the floor nice and slippery. - I always did know how to make an exit! Ta-da! -- Don't try this at home, kids. - Peek-a-boo! Sorry, no riders. Now to treat Mister Cameron Kaiser to a real blowout opening! ---- JOKER'S WILD * Alfred Pennyworth: I didn't mind driving down here at a moment's notice with your equipment and I was happy to dream of a plausible aliby for your date, but stay at this horrid place? Pushes even my tolerance! * Bruce: Mine too. But I'm convinced it wasn't Kaiser's original goal to make a Joker themed casino. See? * Alfred: But why the deception? * Bruce: That's what I intend to find out. AT KAISER'S OFFICE * Batman: Camelot. - Looks like Kaiser broke the bank on this place. - What an interesting hobby you got, Cameron. * Irving: Hey, you! - Where are you? Come out and fight! AT THE CASINO * Joker: Jumpin' Jiminy Christmas! It's an homage to me! I'm kind of sorry I have to blow it up. * Joker croupier: ...... in table six. We got players waiting. * Joker: Then again, all work and no play... Good evening, folks! The game is blackjack. Joker's rules of course! Woo! Blackjack already! Lucky me. * People: Hey! - What? - Hold on! * Joker: Don't be sore losers. We're here to have fun. * Guard: Mr. Kaiser. That dealer is doing something screwy. I'm calling security. * Kaiser: No. Wait. * Joker: Ooh, mercy me. Another blackjack! One might think I have and ace up my sleeve. * Kaiser: Let him deal. * Guard: Yes, sir. You're the boss. * Joker: Try your luck, friend? * Bruce: Why not? * Joker: Say, don't I know you... Sure! Bruce Wayne! So this is how your family made all those billions. Heh heh heh! * Bruce: The secret's out. And you are...? * Joker: Just a nameless clown, shuffling my life away! * Bruce: Too bad it has to be in such gruesome surroundings. * Joker: Eh? - Don't care for the decor? * Bruce: Not hardly. All those horrible faces grinning at me. That would do things to my mind after awhile. * Joker: (mumbling) Who says you have one? * Bruce: Yeah, I'd be ready for the laughing academy if I had to stare at that ugly clown all day. * Joker: (grumbling): Why I ought to-- * Bruce: Hit me. * Joker: Twenty! * Bruce: Oh! Lucky me! Twenty one! How nice. A little something for the Wayne charity fund. Good night. -- He's here. ---- TRUTH * Batman: You! * People: Batman! - It's Batman! - I don't believe it! - It is Batman! * Joker: Whoops! Time to cash out! -- Here's where I get off! - Not bad for a starter. But the real fireworks are still to come. - Whoops, coming through! Hot stuff! One side, please! - I wouldn't take odds on this place lasting the night. * Pilot: Helipad. * Kaiser: I want my personal copter ready for take off in 20 minutes. * Pilot: Yes, sir, Mr. Kaiser. * Batman: Going somewhere? * Kaiser: First you trash my penthouse, then my casino. You gonna wreck something else? * Batman: If I didn't know better, I'd say you wanted this place destroyed. * Kaiser: After spending three hundred million to build it? That's not good business my friend! * Batman: I've seen the unpaid bills. Building this casino has bankrupted you. That's why you turned it into a target for the Joker. Once he destroys it, you'll collect the insurance money. * Kaiser: You hit the jackpot, Batman., but I have too much at stake to be stopped now. * Irving: Ah, you again. * Thug #1: What do we do with him boss? * Kaiser: Send him down to his friend. ---- GAMBLING WITH THE DEVIL * Joker: Kinda slow on the reflexes, eh, Batsy? That car crash must've taken more out of you than I thought! - Wakey-wakey! Thought you'd like to be conscious for your own demise. I really put some effort into this one! Once I spin the wheel, you, the casino, and that strutting fool Kaiser will all be blown sky-high. Not bad, eh? * Batman You won't get Kaiser. He's been playing you for a patsy. * Joker: Eh? * Batman: He's counting on you to blow this place up so he can collect the insurance. By the time you get clear, Kaiser will be miles away, laughing at you. * Joker: I hate it when you make sense! - I'll settle my score with Kaiser, man to clown, but that still doesn't let you off the hook. - How about that, Bats? Looks like your number's up! AT THE HELIPAD * Kaiser: Get me out of here, now! * Joker: Yes, sir. * Batman: What happened? * Pilot: Some clown jumped me and took my copter. Mr. Kaiser's up there! * Kaiser: What are you circling for, you fool! * Joker: It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser. The way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place. * Kaiser: You... you were supposed to destroy the casino! * Joker: Yeah, but then I realized it would be more fun to get rid of you and run the show myself. * Kaiser: But, but you can't! * Joker: Oh, please, Mr. Kaiser! You of all people should have realized there'd be a Joker in the deck! - Why can't he ever stay dead?! -- HA! Gotcha! Yes! - That's it, chew him up and spit him out! * Kaiser: Stop! You'll kill us all! ---- BACK AT THE MADHOUSE * Summer: And so it ended for both ex-billionaire Cameron Kaiser and the Joker. * Joker: Bah! Enough of this rubbish! * Ivy, Crane and Tetch: Hey! We were watching that! * Summer: ...and was returned to Arkham. * Joker: Ah, you bunch of no-good, whacked-out losers, ya make me sick. ---- Category:Episode Dialogues